By the way

Part of what started this was a trust/faith issue recently. I have never had my faith tested the way I did last week. My youngest daughter was in the hospital with pneumonia for 6 days (nov. 9-15). It was a very difficult experience, and while I can now say I am growing, I'm not really sure what happened in the hospital. I know I prayed, but I didn't make any time to listen. I stayed with Jordan the whole time. (for the most part, I took some minor breaks to walk so I didn't gain a ton) I know now, I was carried by God throughout the whole experience, but I can't tell you that I "felt" Him. I know that I was at peace sometime after the first day (after she was out of danger) but I can't tell you that I grew in faith or that I trusted God with the whole situation. Now I am seeking counseling on this matter from a dear friend and hopefully she can and will be able to help me sort this out because I am kind of confused about this. Of course this is the first time I've matured in faith, so forgive me if you already know all this, or have been through this. It's all in all the first time I have been confused in regards to God. Normally He gives me the understanding. I have had to seek counseling before, but this is totally different. Maybe I'll start school and then be able to go to the spiritual formation retreat class thing that my pastor and I talked about a while back. Maybe that will help me? I know studying the bible/reading scripture will. God will lead me to the passages I need to read. Ah well, time to get the rest of these clothes put away, then I think bedtime. I'm way too tired. Emotionally and physically. Will write more when I can. Peace, faith and Love

OH MY GOSH

I'm freaking out a little bit here!!! I am taking a step out in faith and going back to school. We are very nearly broke, can't afford to pay many bills at all, my husband doesn't make much but we are able to take care of our kids. (whew) I have to make an appointment with the counselors at the school the week after thanksgiving. I'm telling you this is a HUGE step for me and I don't know.. I have a crazy whacko case of the "what ifs". I do KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing exactly what I'm being led to do (and have been led to do for quite some time, but haven't been paying enough attention, and/or ignoring the call). As much as I hate to admit that I have been ignoring this, it's exactly what I have been doing. I talk about faith, but I'm scared right now. I don't even know why. I know God is in control, and know that everything will be dealt with. I just don't know how I misplaced the faith. I don't know what I did with the trust. I know that everything will come together in His time. I think my problem, is that I want to know what's going to happen. I want to know if Lance will get a raise, or my baby will take off as a model, or I will have to get a job. I want to know all of these things and when they're going to happen. And as much as I know that everything will work out, I am having the hardest time with it. Thinking I need some serious counseling myself. That is, by the way, my calling. To be a Christian counselor. Yes I know that I won't make much money, but I also know I will be well provided for and I will see my rewards in heaven. That is what matters. Not what I get on this earth, other than the satisfaction of knowing I helped someone. What am I doing? Is this right?????? Yes it's right. I NEED to do this. It's what I have to do. It is part of my purpose. Be blessed all. Hopefully I won't pull all my hair out between now and next semester

I feel bad

I just really pray that Lance will grow in faith. I know it doesn't all happen at once. I know the relationship has to grow and blossom. But, I wish it would happen a bit quicker. And in the meantime, he could have that trust. The trust and calm that I know. And I say that, but I'm still stressing a bit over money/a job for me. I know I need to get a job. No one is calling me back. I think it's time to call on good old Sonic again. This time, I will work much closer to home though. I know I'm growing in my faith though. Reading a book called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. This is one of the best books I've ever read. God, through this book is changing my heart and my life. I know this beyond the shadow of doubt. And I'm so excited to see how I change for Him. While I do wish it would happen a little quicker, I also know that it's a lifelong journey. The girls have been driving me NUTS! I'm doing better with patience. For example, they are currently singing "Blood dripping down your back, blood dripping down your arms." I'm having a difficult time typing now. Jordan is crawling all over me. Will post later!